Shattered

That word has a whole new significance to me.

On Monday, March 7th I woke up at 3.00am to get breakfast ready for our 'security' team (a bunch of crew members who are not at all security trained but led by our awesome retired US Army Security Officer), which I was a part of.  We were on the roads of Freetown by 4.00am and to the National Stadium by 4.30am.   Why?  Because Monday the 7th was Screening Day.  We planned to see several thousand people in desperate need of life-changing surgical intervention.  On arrival there were around 1000 people already there.  First order of business, after a quick walk around the stadium to familiarize ourselves, was to try to organize the crowd already there.  That proved to be a huge task, and one that we never managed to wholly succeed at.

The tension and desperation were palpable from zero hour.  A large number of people already there were pressed against the entry gate in hopes of being some of the first through to be screened.  Arguments and quarrels were almost non-stop.  We walked or squeezed our way amongst the crowd ensuring them that everyone would be seen.  The level of need was incredible as we saw many people with exactly the kinds of things we can treat; enormous facial tumors, cleft lip and palates, club feet, etc.

We tried to move the line from the back end to free up some space near the gate - to no avail.  Every time we managed to forge an open space, people from some angle would always scramble forward to fill it.

Well, there is a big time gap here and I'm leaving out a lot of details but, although I continually felt the peace of God within myself, it was obvious the same was not true of the crowd.  The tension and pressure continued to build over the next few hours, even as we began to allow entry a few at a time through a 'man' gate just to the side of the big double door swinging gate that we kept locked shut.  People pushed and clamored to squeeze through each time the gate was opened.  As it seemed that their desperation was reaching an emotional breaking point, there was a physical one.  The closure on the big gate broke under the continual strain of a seas of bodies pressed against it.  What happened next it difficult to articulate.

I spent 10 years in fire and EMS.  I saw a lot of gruesome, heart-wrenching things.  Only losing a baby to a fire just out of the fire academy comes close to the anguish of those few brief moments after the gate gave way.  The first rows of people stumbled under the lack of physical barrier in front of them and pressure behind.  They ended up on the bottom of the pile as the crowd, seemingly in excitement of seeing the gate opened, surged forward.  What followed I cannot describe any way other than a mass of tangled human flesh and screaming voices.  Faces contorted in fear and anguish as the pile grew and those on the other side frantically pulled at exposed limbs in an effort to extricate those being crushed.  And still they came.  That short moment seemed a lifetime.  Those sounds are ones I will never forget.  Nor will the image of the aftermath be one that fades from memory.  After helping the last few people from the pile I looked down to see several unconscious bodies strewn about the pavement in varying abnormal, prone positions.  Frankly, I was in shock.  I was just beginning to check the first one when someone said to me, "let's get them inside".  I hoisted the first man I came to and drug his limp form up the short flight of steps into the stadium where medical personnel began to tend to him.  Others were extricating the other bodies.  In the end one man was killed, two sustained serious injuries, and many were hurt.

Because of the desperate need we made another attempt to quiet the crowd and see more patients, even after the tragedy.  However, it became apparent that it was likely another similar event would occur as the crowd once again pushed forward against the gate.  A decision was made to call off the rest of the screening, for the safety of everyone involved; the crowd, the police, and Mercy Ships crew.

This account is certainly abridged and simplified.  There were far too many events, emotions, and actions to possibly document them all in a blog post.

At any rate, I titled the blog shattered and mentioned that it has new significance to me now.  That is for several reasons:

- a life was shattered
- the hopes and dreams of many who came to receive appointments for life-changing surgery were shattered
- our hopes and dreams of bringing hope and healing that day were shattered
- emotions were shattered
- innocence was shattered, as there were some crew there who were experiencing this moment as their first West African experience, some of them only 18 years old.
- I am shattered, in the British English sense of being utterly and wholly exhausted. 

Others may have experienced other ways of being shattered.  Hopefully no one's faith was shattered but for many it has certainly been shaken. 

And still, life goes on.  We are still setting up a field service.  There is still much to be done to work with the government, to hold teams on board together, to plan for the next screening, and somehow, to try to meet the individual needs of so many who are grieving and processing in many different ways.

There is anger, fear, confusion, grief, sadness, and, for me, a sense of helplessness.  And yet.  I still cannot answer the question, "where was God in all of that?".  And yet.  I have not come to a place of reconciliation in my heart over the contrast between our mission of bringing the light of Christ through physical healing and hope and the tragedy of the gate.  And yet.  I still find myself wondering, "what could we have done differently?  What could I have done differently?"  And yet.

And yet...in the depths of my soul the Spirit of God is moving.  During the worship portion of our community meeting on Thursday following the event I could not help but cry out in worship of this God that I love and who loves me more than I can ever fathom.  "I believe Lord.  Help my unbelief."

Please pray for the people of Sierra Leone.  Please pray for the family of the man who was killed and those who were injured.  Please pray for the crew of the Africa Mercy.  Please pray for my family.  Please pray for me.  Please pray that through feelings of grief, sorrow, anger, fear, heartache, helplessness, abandonment, confusion, mistrust, and everything else that everyone is struggling with that relationships with either be established or built with Jesus and that we would all be better equipped to serve the calling and bring glory and honor to His name.

Shattered and Hopeful,
Peter